Exactly one week ago today, I awoke with the words, “put away all resentment and bitterness” in my head. So, I looked up Ephesians 4:31 (NKJV): “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.” The night before, I had admitted in a phone conversation that I had been carrying around resentment towards people-resentment that I’ve been battling for a long time now. Resentment towards people around my age who still have one or both of their parents living. Resentment towards those who still have at least one grandparent living. But, that resentment would especially be towards those happily married couples who still have opportunity to enjoy being together with the one their soul loves. It hasn't been an outward and blatant resentment-but an inward soul wrenching resentment that would rise up in me during certain times towards these groups of people. This resentment would turn into bitterness the closer I got to my wedding anniversary-which is today. So, there is this vicious cycle of resentment and bitterness which builds up to a climax-and then of repentance for all of the ill feelings that I’ve allowed to build up inside. And, adding to that cycle, the emotional struggle against a horrible depressive state that sometimes overwhelms me in grief over my husband. So, when I awoke with the words about putting away resentment and bitterness and looked up Ephesians 4:31, I knew I needed to somehow learn how to surrender this cycle to the Lord.
As I kept thinking about this cycle and how I have struggled so much with it, I began to wonder if it’s a spiritual battle that I've been fighting. I began to question the Lord about that and seek His face last week, pondering this “season” that I struggle through each year beginning around early August and generally continuing, to some extent, through February (my husband’s birthday month). Then, a phrase suddenly interrupted my thoughts, as I was driving home from work last Thursday evening. I had been lost in a mixed emotional state-wondering if one of my kids might catch me weeping on my bedroom floor, again, before my anniversary which I had secretly begun referring to as “the dreaded day.” “It’s time to redeem the season," jumped out at me in the midst of my pondering. And, as that phrase took root in my thoughts, it was like I was suddenly completely jolted out of a state of being! It’s time to redeem the season! I began to start thinking that maybe I should actually celebrate on my wedding anniversary this year, instead of weeping through it as I had the last four years. IT’S TIME TO REDEEM THE SEASON!! Yes!! I decided to celebrate this day that my husband and I exchanged the wedding vows we had written to each other 23 years ago today. Because it’s time to redeem the season and allow God to pour His redemptive love into the season where I’ve felt such a mix of joy and pain! As I sought the Lord, asking Him how to surrender this cycle and gain victory over this "season" that I've struggled through the last 4 years, God suddenly burst through my pain and sorrow and brought in His redemptive provision-just like that! This doesn't mean that the grief has suddenly gone away, or that I'll never be found weeping again. But, it does mean that I've found a new freedom knowing and trusting that God has already provided His redemption for this season of my life. I don't need to know the details of what that looks like right now. I'm just going to continue to trust Him.
Because the Lord has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
3 To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”
